dying. free! dead.

2008-10-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

After feeling pain constantly for years, our threshold of pain tends to increase to numb that pain out. But even after finding the reason for that pain, it doesn't ease any of it. It just makes everything resurface and your body's natural reaction still remains between either fight or flight.

I found my pain back recently, and no I'm not talking about the chest pains or any other physical ones. And again, I have to make a choice, face it or run from it. I know I've done the running option before and obviously that wasn't successful, but I'm tired of fighting it. I have to say I'm really desperate to get myself out of this crap to the extent that I'm willing to try that counseling option again even though the last 3 times did not work out. I've tried counselors from school, church and even from the government. Unlike the school one that just kept focusing on why I stole, the counselor at some CC in Yishun did try to help me in my family issues, but the attempts weren't very successful. And don't even get me started on that woman from DEW, she's the only counselor that made me stop sharing even though I wanted to share initially [which is unprecedented in my world].

This whole thing got me thinking, who do I share stuff with? In my family I think there's only my 13 year old brother, outside there's jasmine and maybe james. Even though I'm not friendly with james he's the only guy I wouldn't mind talking to about my problems. Maybe because he's a good listener like me, but sadly he's in indonesia now. Then in church there's charm. Yingmin maybe, but honestly when she starts to share about how she overcomes her problems which I don't see any relevance to mine, my brain starts to shut down and I'll end up stoning in the rest of the conversation. Part of me wanted to say grace, but I realized I don't even see her as a friend within my wall of protection any longer so even if I did share stuff with her it was all in the past.

It's amazing to realize just how unforgiving and petty I am. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a cold and selfish person, and I'm not friendly and I bear grudges subconsciously. I always thought I had forgiven her for saying the things she said, especially since she did explain why she said it. But like I said, I'm selfish. If my subconsciousness can choose to block out my childhood memories so that it'd be easy to hate my father, it's very likely I would choose to keep my distance from you once you've done something to hurt me. It's my uncontrollable need to protect myself.

2008-10-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

Things doesn't seem to be going as well as I think it all should.
I had a small quarrel with mom last night, just mainly about the same things she always nag at me about. How I keep playing with the notebook, my tone when I talk to her, not clearing up the mess on the table even though its not my trash. But all this just unleashed these feelings that I thought should have disappeared long ago, or at some point in time when I accepted Christ. All this time I thought I was different from the rest of the people in this family but seriously, who am I kidding.

Its like expecting an orange to be found in an apple tree forest. How different can we actually be when we were raised in the same environment? I have to stop lying to myself thinking that everything's ok with me except my relationship with dad because that's not the only thing troubling me my whole life.

I can't communicate with people. Really. I take years to open up to people, friends. Which makes me hate it when jie and mom think that I'm some hypocritical person leading a double life outside the house thinking that I'm really sweet and nice to my friends but not my family. The thing is, I am mean with people. When people like Ashwin call me, my tone and answer would always be, "What do you want?" Like that sounds really lovable. I make fun of people whenever I have something funny but really mean to say. Like how I just said "Were you too busy stuffing yourself with food to even look at the presentation?" to grace. But I'm nice to them also because they have stuck by me throughout the harsh words and the not-opening-up-for-two-years part. Because face it, would you rather be nice to someone who has proven worthy and precious to have as a friend or a sibling who blames you for all their quarrels with our parents and shut doors in your faces? Much less throw stuff at you.

I'm not saying that they are really bad and all, because despite these things she can be nice to me too. Sometimes she won't flare up even though I misplace and use her stuff without permission [well she does that to me pretty often too], share stuff with me although certain things are off limits. [to me she assumes all my stuff are sharable]

They can't expect me to all of the sudden change and become this wonderful popular person everyone loves just because I became a Christian. I realized that it's really gonna take more than 5 years to change the fact that I'm just not good with people [which is something I've gotten really good at for my whole life].

water baptism

2008-05-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

I know I know I haven't been trying hard to keep this blog alive... actually my livejournal also I'm basically too busy mugging for the past semester studying for exams to actually blog. Results are coming out by the end of this month and I'm praying really hard for better results than last semester that was a total wreck.

Anyway the happiest thing that happened last week is that I'm water baptised! Yes it was really scary to have to stand up on stage and tell everyone your testimony when I usually don't even share with my friends, not to mention the whole congregation. I was shivering from nervousness, and the really strong cold air condition but the moment I stepped out the stage things weren't as scary as I thought it would be. I said my piece and went into the pool [with really nice warm water I didn't want to leave] and got dunked by my pastor. Really glad amanda could come [shoulian you abandoned me after promising to come!] and my mom and dion came. the cell was so enthu actually made big signs with our names and shakers! really sweet I love you guys... and I managed to get blue roses from someone special [finally I got my favorite flowers] even though it was mother's day season and even without that it should still be more expensive than normal roses. Thank you peeps!

2007-10-14T20:08:00.001-07:00

I've had a long tired day last night.
After making cookies at ying min's place I asked James if he wanted to taste it since he's now working towards being a chef and all and we talk about cooking and stuff together. Then I did my homework until about 1 plus in the morning and I went off to sleep. Apparently, 15mins after I dozed off, Kenny called using James' phone. I told them I needed to sleep and I couldn't go out now but they insisted on coming over to Bishan just to get the cookies. So I thought ok, we'll just meet downstairs, talk at the void deck for a while then I can go back to bed.
So I told my sister that I'll be downstairs for a while and it wouldn't take long. She insisted on latching the door when she's done but I finally persuaded her not to.
Then James drove over in this really nice car [but that's beside to point] to my place and I got in. But then they changed their mind and decided to go to the nearby 24hr Macs at J8. So we drove there, only to realize that the 24hr Macs near the interchange was closed down long ago and its now a 24hr foodcourt. So we sat there and they ordered some food and we chatted for a while.
That's when the death call came. My sister called asking me to get back home now but we couldn't leave right away. So she scolded me saying how I've made her wait for me like an idiot [when I didn't ask her to wait. I just told her not to latch the door] and that I'm a liar cos I said I'll only be downstairs [which wasn't my fault it was theirs] and that she has latched the door anyway and gone off to bed. Well, Kenny and James didn't believe that she was seriously going to do that but we hurried anyway and went back. They waited downstairs to make sure that I could get in but apparently my sister wasn't kidding. She locked the door. I called everyone I could call in my house except my parents of course but no one picked up. It was already 3 plus.
So I went back down to meet them and they were apologizing for what happened. Even James' mom who heard about what happened scolded him for doing this to me. He suggested going somewhere else since I had to wait for my maid to wake up at 6. But I decided to just go to the playground nearby to wait. So he parked his car, tore his parking coupon and we walked over. Just then, my sister smsed me saying that she unlatched the door already. So luckily I didn't heed James' suggestion or else I would have really incurred the wrath of my sister. So before 4am, I managed to slip back home without my parents' knowing.
My sister asked me if I went anywhere else and when I told her I just went J8 and downstairs, she said softly in chinese 'not fun one.' My brain stoned at that moment. FUN? So you purposely did that just to see if I would run off with 2 guy frens and stay at their house or do something stupid? I was so pissed off at that woman. I seriously felt like telling her do that next time or complain to my parents and I'll tell them and your boyfriend about your lesbian relationship you once had you little bitch.
But just like I always do, I kept quiet. I'm really sick of her flaring up at me for nothing. Even earlier at dinner she would always drag me down when my parents scold her. Her most often use of rebuttal is 'Why you never scold simone when she do this? why only scold me?' She so doesn't have the right to scold me. Even if I go out late in the night. She goes clubbing all the time. She doesn't even bother to come home most of the times although my mom would leave the door unlatched for her. Maybe I'll show her what its like when she's out at night next time.

2007-03-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

i must make an effort to keep this blog alive!!!

ok just recently i have discovered a whole different side of me i never knew.
Thanks to chong shoulian who just revealed to me how i used to terrorised her back in primary 3, of which i have absolutely NO recollection of.

apparently she claims that i used to bully her in art classes with this other fren michelle lai (i can't even remember how she looks like). on fridays during art class, i would go over to her desk, comment on her masterpiece, then borrow her crayons. thats the only time i'll be nice to her. on usual days, i would be all "eww, get away from me." to her.

that day i promised her i would be really nice to her to make up for my past behaviour. but going to be really hard, how can i change our way of "communicating" from insults and sarcarstic remarks to all nice and gentle words?

the solution? just get over it shoulian. its been like what? 10 years! and stop using this incident against me every time i say something mean. i'm gonna be immune to it soon.

besides, i know you're used to me this way... i bet you can't stand me being nice. so don't expect too much the next time you see me. this sun right?

2006-10-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

i'm dehydrated.
this has been a really bad week.
having breakdowns everyday.
I'm seriously stressed out. not just becos of studying of course.
got a lecture all of the sudden from my mom today. thats why i don't like telling her personal stuff. she'll always use it against me someday. she had to bring up that subject that ended last year to demean me.
wanted to sign up for water baptism with charm... but deadline's tomorrow and i don't know if i'm ready. so just leaving it to God. now i'm the only one let not baptised i think in sc cell.
i realised its so hard to find a place to cry. cos i share a room with my sister so at times when i cry as i ponder over stuff at night, i have to make sure i don't make a sound. that seems to bottle up my emotions more than i'm suppose to let out.
i want to go to a park at night. let it all out. i want to scream at someone. flare my anger.
oh crap.

2006-09-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

i've been such a clumsy ox today.
jasmine, amanda, shoulian, charm and i went to my house to cook a 9-course lunch which apparently started at 4:30pm. and the food didn't turn out as nice as we thought they would.
after that for the first time, i lost my contact lens in my eye but luckily i found it pretty quickly.
then we went j8 to buy some shirts and while shopping at esprit, i dropped my coffee bean drink and it spilled onto their clothes! thank God they didn't ask me to buy them or else i'll be broke. but we spent 1/2 hour cleaning up and i left my number with them to pay for the dry-cleaning. would feel really bad if i just walked off.
oh yes, i saw the piggy soft toy in the kim sam soon show!!! so cute would love to own one. *hint hint*

note to self: never do cooking again and never carry drinks while shopping.

oh no. starting to have a stomach ache. i think it's the food.
anyway going malaysia KL to shop!! be back on sunday. so it seems like i won't be studying for this week. must mug when i return.

2006-08-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

hello!
haha prelims over already so now can blog. especially since some people complain i never write anything.
got a bit of sunburn again!! 2nd time go sentosa after last paper but this time got more people came along so we had more fun!
turned jiahui into a mermaid with really huge boobs (customer's request).
and our group with fifi, yinghui, amirah, kenny, jiahui, issac won the other group 15-2 in frisbie game!! muahaha!!
quite surprised actually cos i thought people not so physically inclined like myself and yinghui would drag the group down. oh well. we'll just bask in their glory.

although my chem and maths prelim results not very fantastic, but i'm still quite happy la. near border that means can still improve.
can't wait for cookout. i wanna try jasmine's onion soup!! although i really fancy eating onion stuff. but she's a great cook! at least i think so.
i feel like i'm back to my toddler days when i play masak-masak with my siblings.

2006-01-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

i am so sick and tired.
sometimes i wish i could be like the both of them. shrug responsibilities away. but no. i'm not gonna be like them.
I'm the third in the family. but sometimes i just don't understand why i'm acting like the oldest one in the family. my maid had an minor accident today. so my mom went with her to the hospital to give her a thorough check-up in case of any concussions or whatever.
so we have to settle dinner ourselves. my brother who is suppose to be the best in cooking, chose to continue to play his computer game and my sister who can also do cooking just rattled on at him.
fine. i'll cook. then we have to go downstairs to buy somemore food. my brother doesn't want to, my sister started screaming at him for not doing anything. so i went down.
after that i also washed the dishes and all since i just can't stand the mess.
i feel like telling my sister, "how different are you from him? if you really cared, you wouldn't waste your time screaming and fighting with him and just go down and buy the food. simple."

the two of them keep having the mindset of "why me?!"
can't they just get that selfish thought out of their head?

2006-01-12T03:59:00.000-08:00

just got to blog about this.
today yixian didn't turn up in school after her birthday that gave her the right to do whatever she wanted in class. maybe cos i missed her, or i just didn't have anyone else to fight and vent my anger on, practically everyone said i was pms-ing.
anyway, it was fun not having yixian around cos i don't have to fight with her for you-know-who. but i just treat him as eye-candy not like her so serious lor.
after lessons wanted to mug but went to novena with kenny and ash for pizza instead. and the best thing happened: kenny treat us both!
so nice right! =) i shall be nice to you and teach you whatever i know. but you better ask ash the chao mugger. i'm just an amaetur.

2006-01-06T23:12:00.000-08:00

last night was crazy.
ever since the start of the year, i've been telling myself that i must make it a point to study everyday and do my homework promptly. less than 3 days and i'm pressurizing myself.
anyway, after trying so hard to finish as much of the maths holiday assignment as i could, we went to crash the orientation finale. it was hard to let down our hair initially, but after drinking a bit, i finally got high while yixian got more tired. she actually gets tired from drinking like on new year's eve.
we grooved to the beat with the rest of the ogls which was really fun. (ian was there!) kinda regretted not joining ogl. but who cares, cos we got to go for lessons without missing out on the most fun part of the orientation. in the end, i guess we benefitted the most.
now i'm having major muscle aches. also thanks to the 3km jog we had to do in preparation for the school's jog-a-thon.
ok. gotta go back to studying. tomorrow got to go for some dance concert. running out of time!

2005-12-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

sigh. i can't wait for my mom to get her pay so she can give me money to shop for christmas.
i also can't wait for ash to return. not just becos i miss him, but i also miss yixian and kenny and everyone. so when he comes back on the 15th or 17th we can all meet up!
and i think i better hurry settle my debts before the new year. collect money from people who owe me and return money to people i borrowed from.
going wild wild wet again on sat. sorry gotta skip yas and go for sunday service instead. gathering with my platoonmates more important since we dun meet that often.
been wanting to find a job but dun like working all alone. what do i do.

2005-12-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

alright, so my hair didn't turn out as bad as i thought it would be.
after a while, my hair became more wavy in a natural way.
but enough of my hair.
i decided not to continue with my job. its too weird to work for relatives. so now i'm jobless. so there. jasmine's prediction came true after all. she said i couldn't last for 2 weeks.
i seriously need a job. my mom was scolding my sis and i suddenly realised i should settle my debts fast. i need to pick up the habit of saving. i'm spending money like water.
besides, i owe amanda too much. and i shouldn't take her for granted just becos she doesn't come after me. who knows how often we will keep in contact anyways in future. whatever the reason, i don't want her to remember me as someone who owed her money.
i promise you dada!

2005-11-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

today went to watch movie just like heaven in the morning with kenny, mel, yangthong & popiah.
stupid kenneth got us to meet at 10am cos he has to go work at 3 later. super tired after my mahjong session last night...
the movie was dumb. seriously. don't watch it unless you like old clique romantic movies. and i personally dun really believe in spirits or what-nots. but it you're the kind that doesn't go for the plot by all means watch it.
took neoprints. which was what i hoped for. can build up my collection! (remember i lost some neoprints in the past) so it was good. yixian came along. with her pierce shirt and shorts. and we met some of her juniors in pasta mania.
yup after that i went home, got a call from jasmine to meet her at j8 again.
why?
becos she wants to buy coffee bean.
so as always, we buy our drinks, sat down and talk. she would drink finish first, then we walk around with me holding the drink in one hand and her laptop in another, looking for shirts we are going to buy. but we never buy anything cos i always tell her i've got no money.
come to think of it, the words "no money" are in the widely used section of my vocab. i better get another job since i'm free this week. and i've decided to skip all dance pracs during the holis. yoona and other better dancers can take care of the competition.
i know its evil of me to be lazy, but i really don't want to care about cca anymore. i shouldn't have taken up any right from the start. sigh.
oh ya. i can't believe i fell for it when jasmine said ny's called big apple becos it takes the shape of an apple.
yes i know you agree with me for my stupidity.

2005-11-28T02:10:00.000-08:00

this is to ash.
what do you mean by "better treat kenny & yixian properly or the consequences are undesirable"?
I always treat them very un-properly meh?
I super nice to them lor! although maybe they dun think so...
but why you care so much? if they choose to cut me off not your business wad.
anyways take care la. come back safely or else i'll lose someone to fight with.

i can't sleep!!
sigh.

2005-11-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

went for 5pm service instead of yas last night cos i wanted to go amirah's house with the rest at night. sort of like visiting for hari raya.
finished my service pretty early so i walked around amk by myself. the place there so messy but got a lot of shops so i think i dun mind going there some time if i'm sick and tired of my "di pan" bishan.
first time i was actually early cos nair told me to meet at 740pm when the actual time was at 8. so evil la in the end kenneth was the one super late. next time better pull the same trick on him. =P
at amirah's house we talked and eat then played with their gerbils outside their house. super cute la! they are like a combi of squirrels and hamsters and rats. they wanted to watch harry potter but no show at the area so we went yixians house.
didn't really do much there.. everyone was mostly reading fhms and fiddling with her desktop pic. lao shi's picture really gives people the creepy feeling. we tried to prank call mao using different phones but failed cos we keep bursting out in laughter. especially ASH! gave everything away. hmmph.
we played with her sparklers on the way. someone almost murdered kenny by throwing her sparkler at him. sigh too bad missed him. kidding!
by the time we left no more bus service already. went to macs that was open 24/7. but couldn't stay to grab a bite. my mom complaining already so had to walk all the way home. luckily i live nearby, or else i would be stranded.

2005-11-13T08:11:00.000-08:00

ok. suddenly felt like blogging about my platoon dinner.
It felt really super great to see everyone! well everyone except vanessa cos she got o levels.
everyone seems to have not much change. its like time went back to when we were still in scgs.
who shall i start with...
carmen still the same old bossy-but-in-a-likable-way person, seems to become more boyish probably due to touch rugby. we were like evaluating her when she was talking to her fren, she seems... flatter. and she so skinny still on some diet due to some rugby competition coming up.
kaiqian same but she seems to have a sudden fettish for pink. she was like pink all over. still very ah-ma and scandalous with yenling. the two of them still so bickerish in the lovey-dovey way. yenling looks like some biker chick now cos her dressing more girly. but when it comes to the dining table and her actions, its same old barbaric her. =)
felicia took off her braces look nicer =P still with her guzheng and she still loves purple. mich leh same chor-lor woman. dun understand why i can talk to her more comfortably when in a platoon. if only 2 of us we barely say a word.
as for amanda jasmine and shoulian the people i meet most often, still normal la. but amanda has been a bit more touchy-feely than usual. shoulian still wearing op.
had loads of fun just eating and drinking and chatting. went fish & co. and coffee bean. spent quite a bit but ok la since we ordered to share all together.
oh i'm falling in love with them over and over again more each time!
miss you guys! *muacks*

2005-11-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

sigh. first time i pon school... usually i will only be late.
i had a super weird dream. i went out with ash and kenny and yixian for lunch and we were about to go watch movie when i realised i was late for meeting my other group of frens. my handphone cut right so i ask them to lend me theirs. but all 3 of them so evil dun wan to lend me. so they went for the movie without me and i was left stranded there.
actually come to think of it now, it may not be all that weird after all. all 3 of them do have that capability to do that to me.
oh well.
how am i to go out today without a cent on me? i asked my mom to give me money but i think she was too busy scolding my maid for tearing her blouse to remember that. wait for my dad to come home.or else have to borrow.
i must go out today! very important.

2005-11-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

youngsters today are just plain WEIRD.
on the way home i was sitting in the bus and there were a few roudy boys making lots of shit noise.
all of the sudden they threw a small paper towards me which landed on my bag and bounced off. so i just ignore and pretend i didn't see anything.
when another paper came flying over i felt so pissed i wanted to to turn around and shout at them and ask them to get their shit butts off the stupid bus or i'll kick them out myself.
then they keep saying 'xiao mei mei hello. turn around leh.'
ME? xiao mei mei? i think i'm actually older than them. can't they see the hideous jc uniform i'm wearing?
lucky i was reaching my stop. when i got up they were like 'bye bye'-ing me.
what is the world coming to? how can they actually try to 'da shan' someone in public, broad daylight, and with such a crowd on the bus.
oh my.

2005-10-20T01:30:00.000-07:00

yay exams are FINALLY over!!! =P
went out after so long with kenny ash yixian daps and melvin.
yixian had major extreme makeover. she wore a skirt la!
biggest news EVER. haha super cute. someone should have been there to see her.*wink*
went mos burger to eat. yixian and kenny tried on daps mascara! they were super scared the thing would go into their eye you could see them tearing... so fun!
then watched the wig. but daps couldn't make it for the movie.
i think i saw my cousin andrew there. but i nevermind la.
the movie was super scary.. and funny too actually.
couldn't help laughing at ash and yixian cos the two of them super freaked out. such joy to see them scared. but i was frightened too. not as much as them.
kenneth chong kept throwing popcorn at yixian. but all landed up hitting me.
and the people in the cinema started screaming and boo-ing to scared all of us. so bo-liao.
oh well. now can continue blogging more often.
so sorry you have to hear lots more from me from now. SMILE!!! =P

2005-09-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

typical sunday of mine.
suppose to go study at the cc but dunno why always wake up later than usual.
so no space! the muggers that go there are also kiasu people. their body not there their books on the table. sigh.
so went to mos burger like last week. but dunno why today during lunch hour the person chased us away. last week never leh how come?
we wanted to eat lunch there somemore. hmmph chase us out we go other place eat!
while eating we called charm to tell her we going her house to study since we are so unwanted. then we invited kaixin along without charm knowing. =P
but it was fun la... studied in her brother's room. and as usual i made myself at home, anyhow fiddle and touch the guitar, the books, cds, etc. and we made charm go buy chips for us as we had a craving for sour cream lays and cheese ruffles. =) and her father made dinner for us when we all had to go home to eat. keep feeding us with food. but his chicken wings are good :) comparable to meeting place's one.
went home to celebrate dion's birthday in advance. ten already my cute little brother!
better sleep.

2005-09-25T01:44:00.000-07:00

saturday. what did i do??
oh ya. woke up late for pw meeting. went to school library to do the editting, then did some homework before i had to abandon ash for tuition.
didn't really do much there la... she was going through organic chem and i started to doze off.but last day la so who cares! =P
walked to neuton mrt then take a bus from there to church. wanted to study there but by that time i then realise we were going for youth service at 5 instead of 5.30pm. sigh.. shouldn't have kept missing cell.
maurice was suppose to wear our shirt!! but he has to serve so must wear formal shirt... next week must wear! =)
sliver rain concert was great! probably because we went for youth service before that so we were quite high for God. it did prepare our hearts to engage in worship... actually kind of miss youth service. its like you can just dance for God so outwardly but in young adult service cos got more matured people so we can't go up to the altars.. but during the concert we didn't let our seats confine our movements we just danced and expressed our joy and love for Him!!
so happy! after that we went down to celebrate more rice b'day and i congratulated him for the 5th time? yup he was so irritated =P and andre smashed cake on him!
finally persuaded moo to go for supper since its her rest and revival day. our fan tong was being lamer as usual. but our cell seems quite segregated during supper.. maybe cos its been a really long time since we ate due to promos.
walked home with mauricie. my cousin song yu came. we watched the korean drama. eat dinner. sleep.

2005-09-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

in relationships of all kinds,
some people give, some people take.
but it makes me think, wouldn't it be unfair for the people who give to give all the time?
why can't the people who are so used to taking learn to give once in a while.
most people think that its always beneficial to take but without even trying, how would they know that giving is not that bad after all.
I feel that you'll learn more by giving.
i give all the time and i may get upset by that fact once in a while, but i'm okay with giving actually. its nice to see people receiving happily.

right. why did i even make all this up?

man i'm bored. have been mugging all week! destressing now with this weird post.

2005-09-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

***The Keys to Your Heart***

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

2005-09-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

helloz. went to meet kenny and yoona and james. supposed to be there for lunch but woke up late.
anyways i just watch them eat then had to go for tuition. james also.
when i went back to meet the two of them at starbucks felt super weird la. like i'm tagging along on their date. so extra..
went to play at the arcade then ash came! saved me from the awkwardness.
skipped cell again to study with them. yvette gonna scold me already i think its like the second time.. but didn't study much la. and ash was walking in and out to photocopy stuff. heck. i'm better off studying alone. and not at novena. novena's bad.
went for church after that. wished maurice happy birthday in advance. =) got curfew so couldn't eat with them... boring day la overall. thanks to kenny. -_-
can't wait for the sliver rain concert next sat!!

2005-09-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

today went for the mooncake festival celebration. was performing some chinese dance which i think turned out quite bad. cos the lights suddenly went off for a while and the moment it did, all 5 of us were cheering and talking like nobody's business. luckily the audience weren't sitting so near us.
after that we went to change and wanted to go out for supper. oh ya, kenny and ash gave me a card and flower. so sweet thanks. yoo na got one specially from kenny. in the card he said the teddy bear represented him, so all of us were using the lightstick to poke the bear and do voodoo on it =) but yoona was protecting it like it was her life. =P
then we decided to go thomson for roti prata but it was too far so daps couldn't go. think she was pissed with us. again. sigh... down there we were taking up their tables to wait for james, abidah and kenny. the uncle got quite irritated cos we were sitting there not ordering for a super long time. and when kenny came, yoona had to go so they went off to buy macs since we all didn't eat lunch and dinner. abidah was lost and james had to go look for her. so me and ash and yixian had to silently walk off the roti prata house to go to macs. felt so bad.
went to eat at macs and chatted for a while. abidah took so small bites of their food. when she left, her burger was not even half eaten. yixian asked kenny to help her frens buy beer and she extorted one can from them. so the 4 of us poured the beer into the cup from macs to drink. dun like beer tastes weird.
wanted to take a bus homebut kenny wanted to walk and talk. so i suggested we walk in my house direction since i got curfew. quite relaxing to just walk and chat about nothing in particular... although a few times the two of them tried to push me out to the road when there were cars but i know they too nice to kill. . =) in the end they had to take a cab home which cost ash about $20. super ex.

2005-09-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

sigh. tired.
got the mooncake festival celebration. had to do the less than 3 mins dance. but its quite screwed up cos we were talking like nobody's business when the lights went off for a while. adn the stage felt like it would crash anytime. after that went to eat supper at thomson roti prata house. yixian had to sit with her other frens so left me ash and yoo na waiting for james and kenny and abidah to come. abidah was like lost, james and kenny were on their way and yoona had to leave already without ordering. like some dramatic movie scene star-crossed lovers.. but kenny made it in time so yoo na had to leave when they came. in the end we sat there taking up their space for almost an hour but we didn't eat there. went macs instead.
yixian's frens asked kenny to help them buy beer and yixian extorted one can from them, poured it out in the empty macs cup and drink from there. tasted weird.
after that kenny and ash and i wanted to walk and talk so i suggested walking in my house's direction =) easier for me. so indirectly they walked me home. although it was indirect but i still thought it would be better to thank them. but in the end they were like "dun make us sound so nice k, we weren't walking you home." fine la. i'm the extra one trying to fake up a good impression of you two. sheesh.

2005-09-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

today has been fun!
lessons went on as usual.. talked to yoona for a while during pe then went for gp. david brought the present we gave him but the colour looks super wrong. i think the colour suits kenny better. =P
bio lesson had to go in pairs and i almost had to pair with mao shen!!!! luckily yixian and daps saved me from him. *whew*
sometimes i feel quite weird. like i'm always the extra one between yixian and daps and ash and kenny. should be a loner. nah. got the 4 of them more fun =)
after the student dialogue we had extra maths lesson. and kenny was playing pictionary. he drew a corn, wrote a chinese word 'ni' and a army tank. and i took so long to realise that it was connie tang.
after maths went to look for yoona in the library cos we were suppose to do dance. but she so lazy tell me she'll just learn tomorrow. president some more. sigh.
after kenny went off for a birthday party with just a small chlorets in hand as the present, yoona just went BERSERK! she was busy smsing and laughing about the overhead bridge issue and ash going for tuition at bishan. and we found her secret diary. but it was written in korean so we are conspiracying against her to get wai rui to translate for us at dance tomorrow. *winks*
i certainly think she has more fun with us than kenny. must be because of ash.
we took a cab together to bishan, dropping the super off ash at the macs behind the school. i was sitting at the back in between yoona and sarah. feel so weird between two koreans (nothing nationalist) but at least they talked in english. that i can understand. chatted about kenny, james and a bit of ash. then talked about other stuff.
we all dropped off together at junction8 supposed to take bus back together but i had to meet my fren for a short while. so they left first. and in the end my fren said meet another day. whatever. waste time.
super fun but never do finish any revision!! must start to mug now.

2005-09-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

was woken up by kenny at 11am. me and ash had to rush down to united square starbucks to meet him but in the end, he and james were late. what the *toot*.
sigh meet then for a while then had to go for chem tuition. luckily she went though the chapters i revised. so i'm not lost in it.
after tuition went back to see them. james left already so the three of us walked around united square before going town to buy some book. for the first time kenny was broke. i had to pay for his lunch first and ash had to pay for his neoprint.
went taka to eat lunch. when we finally found a seat, the fire alarm went off and there was some announcement telling us not to panic and to evacuate or something. but we were too busy eating to even bother moving our butts. sigh. and we called yoona to tell her and she was all panicky for us telling us to quickly get out of the building! so sorry to make you worry. =P
after that went to far east to take neoprint. it was a total disaster! didn't know what to pose and all.. only a few came out right. and most crazy of all was when kenny tried the smugging effect on ash and my face he laughed so hard he just fell on the floor!! everyone was just starring at us!our pics design was really lousy as kenny continued laughing at his perfect piece of art, me refusing to do anything cos i suck at designing and the pen ash was using was spoilt so he couldn't really design anything either. most fun experience in all my neoprint taking though! =P
after that we went 7-11 to buy big gulp. the ice dispenser wasn't working. we had to put the cup there for 1 min to get a few ice cubes out. and ash almost didn't have enough money. oh well.
had loads of fun with those two today although i didn't study at all. sei ah.

2005-09-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

went to study by myself before dance practice. then ash came along becos of pw had to meet david. sigh.
was so pissed at ash and kenny. maybe not kenny la cos ash was the one that said all the things. help people and this is what comments i get. sigh dun want to talk about it.
then so silly ash found out me deepest darkest secret!!! he had better not breathe a word to anyone or else i'll kill him. then maybe kill myself cos its too embarassing. should strike a deal with him like i did with fifi my master. *winks*
went for last day of gp crash course super late due to dance prac ended at 2.
after the lesson i went old chang kee to buy something to munch (super hungry never eat after dance) then walked past the tuition centre to my bus stop near ken's house. as i was walking i thought someone was following me but couldn't hear anything due to my backphones that were blasting really loudly. while waiting to cross the road, someone tap me from behind and it was this guy from my tuition. he told me he was waiting for me downstairs of the tuition centre (i think he didn't see me walk out to united square) and asked for my number!
my brain was a little slow i think. i was like "what you want it for." in my fierce tone. then i realised what he getting at. silly me. =P it would be so weird to say no right since he followed me all the way so no harm making more frens. give him lor.
and i told ash about it. not long after, kenny called telling me not to read whatever sms he sent and the next thing i knew, he was "oh ya, heard someone asked for your phone no." I got such a shock.
Is there NO secret between the three of us?!
and why are guys more blabbermouth than girls? well maybe only ash la. especially big mouth. =P and kenny got all silly asking me why i never tell him tell ash only.
what a valuable lesson learnt today. i never actually thought we were this close.
i should offically declare them as my good frens in school. yipee.

2005-09-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

super high now!!!
crabpeople crabpeople!
haha stupid crabpeople from another south park video watched at kenny's house.
finished tuition at goldhill centre then went to find ash at kenny's house. stupid ash cheated me make me wait for him for nothing. told me he got some appointment wan me to go with him still say very fast. but in the end had to spend one hour in kenny's house watching south park and just chatting. and at the end of it all, his dental appointment wasn't even in novena. it was at outram park. still expect me to go with him. sheesh.
k so i went over to charm's house where yingmin was watching some cartoon and jasmine was reading magazine. cos i didn't eat anything from morning til 6, we ate some muffins. dunno where they bought it but its super nice and quite famous also. better find out.
after that did finish chem tys atomic structure mcq and left 2 more structured questions. then charm brought more food out. but the weird thing is her tv can only on it once. so we couldn't watch the tv cos she can't leave it on until her 9pm show.
after eating her mom's special marinated chicken wings which ying min didn't eat cos she doesn't eat chicken, me and jasmine got high. i started rattling on and on (one of the symptoms that i'm high) about absolutely nothing. so jasmine caught the fire and we went up to cheryl's room to check out her ncc uniform that is SO not up to standard. you see, cheryl is charm's sister that is our junior in ncc. all we can say is that the ncos after us SUCK!
k. must not get agitated over ncc. I'm supposed to be over it. right.
i seem to have some difficulty breathing lately. in the past when i run, i'll get chest pains. now even when i breathe in too deeply.
i think i'm dying.
you wish.

2005-09-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

today went to study in school library for less than 1 hour with yoona, ash, kenny, yixian and daps before yoona and i had to go off for dance.
and its interesting how me and james are like the main topic ash and kenny talk about to yoona. oh ya not to forget mao of course. main joke of like everyday!
5 of us have to do some weird chinese dance with some pink fans with extra cloth attached to it. its just plain weird. how are we gonna face the world after the mooncake festival performance.
oh ya, had a very interesting chat with yoo na while waiting for the instructor. seriously, your secret is so not save with me. i don't think it can be kept for long... *wink*
its like all of the sudden in this week, i've become like a lot closer to yoona than i ever thought i would be considering i'm so quiet in dance. not only that i also have been boombarded with weird questions and i am exposed unwillingly to some stuff about other people's relationship problems which is forwarded via sms to me.
its like a wirlwind out here. and i'm feeling super down now.
got to do gp tuition homework and i'm starting chem tuition now that they are beginning revision. never do any work lately now that i got no place to go study with the cc closed for renovation.
shucks. i'm starting to become a mugger like ash.
my weird wish that came true. eew.

2005-09-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

i really don't know what's wrong with me.
all i have been doing is study go church never do anything exercising or what-so-ever.
and my muscles are aching all over. and so i have been waking up later than i'm supposed to.
missed chem lesson today la... didn't get to see ms seah's wedding shots and all. sigh.
forgot to give out maths questions again. only give to myself and amirah and siewying who told me she can't do it cos she not coming due to sore eyes (another victim). then i just forgot to go back to it.
today we were just going on and on about james and abidah and kenny and yoona. and stupid kenneth and james was telling me to consider ash, go for maurice, and God knows which other guys i know. like i'm suppose 'go' for every single guy i meet. sheesh.
and me considering ash or vice versa is like yixian being vegeterian.
i think yoona is quite a good catch. most wanted bachelorette (spelling wrong i think) =P if i was lesbian i would rather go for her than abidah. IF i was.
go kenny!!!

2005-09-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

hello.
went to study at the cc at 11am all alone cos charm and grace coming later.
i'm pretty amazed at myself. from 11am-7pm, i didn't doze off and i didn't even feel hungry to go for lunch. and me not feeling hungry is so not me.
did my maths t9.5. did finish whole of chem tys topic 1. did all the bio structured questions. did my maths revision for chapter 3 and 4 practising on the tutorial and tys questions. but all got blanks here and there...
wanted to go eat dinner with them. but my mom suddenly came over after her church and buying a mp3 for my 10yr old brother. asked me to go home with her. btw, why would a 10yr old boy need to have a mp3?? oh sheesh. but anyway got offer for headphones at $1 if you buy it and since i get the headphones, who cares what my bro does with it. =P
and kenny, must you neccessarily answer my questions on your blog? make me sound like i against catholics or something. jasmine has been explaining the praying to mother mary to me like tons of times cos she catholic also, but it still doesn't get into my thick head. i'll just go on asking why. which is not a bad thing either. i should be asking questions with regard to everything.
right. got to go eat dinner that my mother has enticed me to go home for. got ma po toufu and other nice food waiting for me.

2005-09-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

woke up late again. duh.
met ash at the school library 1 hr later.
but anyways he expected it too so.
had spent 4 every productive hours. did loads of bio structured question and chem tys.
plus maths chapter 3. yay.
went home to rest a little and watch some hbo show called canivale. or something. quite nice.
then sis joe smsed me to meet her to talk. i was like super duper scared. talk? about what?
but it wasn't like i could escape from her she will find a time to sit me down and talk to me about my life and all. updates.
so i went to macs at serene to meet her, she started to chat with me. quite ok la not as bad as i expected. i told her about my busy schedule hence my listless look and no smile face. and explained that i'm not like that all the time. just in case she thinks i'm going through some problems or what.
but seriously as i talked to her, didn't really find anything wrong lately. other than studies which is all i want to focus on now. and the tests i've been failing.
oh ya. told her about me going to kenny's church. she said that in whatever case, i should be accountable to her and let her know if i'm going for some seminar at other churches. promised with james and ash to pei kenny to some youth seminar in december.
after that chat had to go church for cell. 'fan tong' wearing some formal long-sleeved shirt cos his serving. looks really off. and grace and yvette were acting all childish sitting in front of the door with her sandals on the table. ying min had the super sian look like me but we got over it.
its funny how when i see maurice's goofy smile i'll just crack up. and when i told him that he has a really goofy smile he was all "oh you know my class people mostly like goofy? seriously." and i laughed and said "ya, i never say i'm not taking you seriously." with my mind thinking .
oh well why am i even typing all this. i'm the one getting lame.
after service i was saying thank you to all the people serving with my act cute voice that kenny mimicks all the time. super high ma.

2005-09-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

today super slack. no gp cos david not in school.
got 2 hours of free time so stepped into the student lounge for the first time ever. boy it's really dirty.
and james was acting all weird again, especially he got some "tips" from ash and kenny about some stuff i should not reveal too much on.
oh yes before i forget. i should apologise to ash for slapping you so hard. but still i have to warn you and any other people. want to make fun of me or insult me can no problem.
BUT if you insult my parents or my friends or anyone else other than me, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE WORST. i slap even harder.
after chinese went to kenny's church with james and ash.
talking about catholic churches i have to say it was a real eye-opener. but i had a few questions in mind like for communion why don't they drink from the cup since they eat the bread??
and why pray to mother mary when you can pray directly to God? i mean yeah catholics pray to her becos she can help intercede for you but since Jesus is the only way, praying to her is just in my point of view, a way people buy a guarantee to make sure that their prayer lists get heard.
and since God is omipresent and all, why have some thingie to represent Him? since faith is not needing to see to believe that He is there, wouldn't you be tearing your faith down?
however this is all just my own point of view so please dun get offended. cos i seriously believe that catholics or christians,we still love and serve the same true God. there is not much difference actually, why do some people get all prejudiced and insult other churches practices??

2005-09-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

woke up at 1230pm today only to realise i was suppose to be at junction 8 at the same time to meet my pw group to go to the children's home today.
what's new?
ash and all a bit pissed as usual but i can't help it la. woke up so early the day before and slept so late at night.
anyways we went over to carry out our project at canossaville children's home. we were allowed to video tape but must block out their faces to keep their identities confidential. quite fun la although i hope to have longer hours with them... 1 and 1/2 hours not a lot of time to get to interact and really bond with them. the boys were very ra-ra and enthu to play but the girls stick to each other. some gave the kind of look like they can't be bothered with what we were doing but nevertheless after a while they also joined in. i think the hardest part is to get them to be comfortable with us. probably just anti-social or intimidated with our age or just the fact that we are total strangers.
can't blame them anyways. cos i also would react like them as i myself quite introverted. come to think of it, when i was 11 12 years old it also wasn't say a very plesant time for me. quite a number of major things started to happen then... oh well.
after that me ash and pinkie went off to kenny's house to blade for 15 mins and then go macs to study. but we ended up blading for an hour.i'm a total numbskull at blading, never blade before in my life. had to constantly hold on to ash and kenny but i still fell quite a few times and knock onto a motorcycle parked at the side anyways. have a few bruises here and there...
yup so because of me we took a longer time than usual to go see bear and back. i think its really not my cup of tea. should stick to bicycle or other transportation with bigger wheels.
went to macs at united squareto eat then do bio mcq. but only a few pages not very productive i must say. do and talk and eat until it was 10. then decided to go home. while walking out kenny went to play at the fountain so we played along. but pinkie wearing jeans so she stayed out of this. i was all dry when suddenly kenneth chong decided to drag me over to those taller sprouts and got half of me wet. and stupid ash must have enjoyed that very moment.
now at the comfort of my home nursing my bruises. and going to watch oc. nights!!

2005-08-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

super tired!! had to wake up at 530am in the morning for last rehersal at the hall and in the end? the councillors were only ready at 730am. really lousy la the councillors. told us to be there by 7 and they themselves late. what the toot.
only got to practice once. the ending sounded really weird. got some boom sound and clapping after that...saw kenny there for his house exco preformance (sing song) then after that we had to change.
our dance was not that bad. but i dun think all of us gave our best... could have been better. i was so irritated that one of my sleeve i rolled up came down. look so weird. adjusted it and continued the dance. the other group's dance more funny to watch i think. and i feel that its more revelant to the teachers and their sone more catchy than ours. but WHATEVER. we are the best. *evil laughter*
wanted to go back scgs. but super tired and only got yenling there... so nevermind.
i treat kenny bubble tea and he treat me and ash waffle.. yay! then had to print out his photo with shoik hoon to put it in his photo frame with the words "shuai dai le!" there. after that on our way home in the train we were talking to yoona. and kenny was going on to his usual lies saying that his half korean and showing off that he knows how to count 1-10 in korean. i was too sleepy to bother.
i'm like dozing off as i type that blog entry. better take a nap then go study with grace.

2005-08-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

today was really chaotic sia.
first got pe got to play games but i went to run rounds with kenny and ash. so totally cannot catch up i started walking after 3/4 of one round. then kenny and melvin compromised to run with my pace for the next round. but i ended up looking like i was running with some circus people cos the two of them were busy one showing off his kung fu moves while jogging, the other challenging him. they were like running ballerinas twirling in circles! super weird but cute la. =P
after that got gp test, do compre. then got bio lesson. james, the bio rep brought us tour around the school looking for where the class is held. some bio rep.
but i'm not a better maths rep than him. forgot to give out questions for the class to present. oops!=P
then got student dialogue. they were announcing the different classes with late coming and which onces can leave early tomorrow for teachers day. we got 2 late comers. the whole class was raging at jiahui and the other unknown person which we found out later was me supposedly. then after eating our pizza outside the container classes cos they were al locked, we told lao shi to go help us debate cos both jieying and jiahui got mc for the day they were late. problem solved!!
after that while waiting for kenny to finish his rehersal, we went to watch the solo semifinals for the karaoke competition. some were good, others were like "how did they even make it through?"
then me, ken, ash and james went off to ikea at 7 to go buy teacher's day present. we bought all the things that were quite related to our video dedication and some class jokes. lao shi got a wok for her extra ingredients chao guo tiao, duncan got a timer so he wouldn't cheat us of our time in tests. =) mr sim got some tupperware for his "ai xin zao can" and ms seah got some diapers for her zygote. got james to pay for everything first and we had to wrap the presents in recycled paper given outside ikea. do until 1030pm la. super late and tired from the shopping by the time i got home it was 1130pm. and have to perform for teacher's day tomorrow plus be there by 7am.
*yawns* going to practice a bit more before the real one

2005-08-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

had chinese test early in the morning.. was late to arrive as usual. but the paper can still finish.
after that had lessons per normal, then went to eat kfc with ash and yixian. now i owe her $26 cos she bought the chicken for me. eat until super duper full. then saw this weird woman loitering around in and out of kfc, looking at us eat, look at the menu, go over to swensons to see the menu, then came back. we were all giving the EYE.
at the same time, we were talking about impossiblilities and we started making up things about other people like,(example) "getting daps to be quiet is like getting yixian to be vegeterian, kenneth being a chinese professor, fifi eating pork, ash becoming white, etc."
after that with my bulging stomach went for dance practise. totally couldn't dance at all. got no energy and one jump and i can feel the food in my stomach going around.
so screwed.

2005-08-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

went to cut my hair today with jasmine. and my mom started her round two of "getting on Simone's nerves". she had to go off to service and my little brother was wasting time loitering around watching cartoon. i wanted to wait for jasmine to come then i go down to meet her so i was sitting around minding my own business. then she told me to draw $40 for her cos she's late and she assumed i was waiting for her to give me money for my haircut. at the lift lobby she suddenly changed her mind wanted me to draw $80 but i misheard it as $50. so she got pissed cos she can't split the $50 note into two and give it to me. so i told her i got money. then she scolded me for not telling her i got money and i dun need her money. then she walked off, called me and scolded me over the phone for letting her miss her bus and she was going to be late and all. then during my tuition she had to continue teling me that the problem lies with me not opening my mouth with i am suppose to. I told her that i have been keeping my mouth shut for my entire life. now then you noticed? I'm trying to change but you seriously can't expect immediate results.
so irritated. i think when she comes home it will be round three.

2005-08-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

today went to study with ash in school library. didn't really accomplish much only did maths and studied bio. after that we went to novena to eat with kenny. and our bet is off cos i hit him again. but i dun need to treat him to the movie maid so its better off this way. he super bad la, start to pick fights with me after i admit i'm always the first one that starts fighting. evil.
anyways went over his house to watch southpark. about michael jackson. really funny when he says "no thats ignorant, you're being ignorant." and poor blanket. oh ya kenny died as usual in it.
wanted to learn to blade but got to go for cell, so we going his house again on tuesday i think to blade. watch me fall.
super irritated with my mother. i came home after church on a really high mood cos i felt really touched by God in service today. wanted to go eat with maurice and yingmin, but she sms told me to come straight home. then before i sleep she started insulting my ministry saying that if it is good i wouldn't have liked a non-christian guy in the first place. and started saying that i stayed in kfc because of him. i'm like firstly if you want to talk christian with me you wouldn't have insulted my church. it shows how bad your church is for you too. and she has no right to judge other people and their churches. she hasn't been there how would she know if God is not moving in His own ways there? besides, the ministry can't do anything much if the individual insists on not doing their time alone with God. and there are other factors that affect the relationship of God and me. and its not like i'm not doing anything to salvage it. she's only gonna make things worse.
i held myself back from screaming at her cos i know i have to be filial to her. even Jesus doesn't talk back to mary although He knows that He is the Son of God. i must follow Him!
Wo ren!!!

2005-08-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Yay! got more neoprints!! and some more foc thanks to yixian! =P
i seriously think i'm extorting her a little too much. must remember to pay her back the $20. AFTER daphne pays ME back $15. hee hee that would take forever.
today really fun took tons of photos with the class. i think the topic of the day would be mao shen cupping james butt. cos the guys were carrying james the muscle man and no one supported his spine. and mao shen was all "I'm on it!!!" and rushed there to grab james' buttocks. poor thing. another victim after fifi.
skipped dance today to go j8 with ash and yixian. and kenny came after we were almost done saying that he got in the auditions for the karaoke competition. i actually believe him la. but the moment we told him to sing the chinese song he sang and he didn't really know the lyrics, i was like the story is getting more and more not credible. wanted to watch the maid, but too late la so...
for the past two days our money is spent like water. ash and yixian both had $50 with them and at the end of the day they left about $20. and considering all of us failed most of our tests, its quite amazing we can still go out.
k must start to be a mugger at home like ash.

2005-08-23T23:08:00.000-07:00

super tired. just finish doing half of tutorial 9.3 and half of 10.1.
i so cannot do anymore questions. brain overload. and my eyelids are gonna crash any moment.
have been sleeping super early for the past few days/weeks. now can't even stay up until before midnight.
so sad today la. got back 3 test papers and all fail. what the toot.
anyways i'm over it. gotta get on with life and work harder. what's new?
have been wanting to download more songs into my mp3. but its always either the com not free or i'm not free. should get a laptop like charm and shou. poly so cool la.
what did we do today? went northpoint buy rotiboy, esprit with daps. oh ya, promised to try clothes with her tomorrow. then went novena eat subway. nice to eat it but the ingredients and crumbs just fall all over the place. very messy after we eat. then go kenny house for a while thanks to james and his precious chem periodicity notes. what is the use of betting when it didn't seem to spur them on but our grades all just fell even worse?
oh ya on the way home i realised how evil and nolochalant some singaporeans can be or act like that. got this secondary school boy drop his school uniform cos they always have the habit of hanging their pe shirt at the handle of their school bags. looks super weird to me la. so k it dropped on the floor. and the middle aged man walking directly behind him just lift up his stupid legs to step over the shirt la! super bad! then not only that person didn't bother to let the boy know, the whole entire world just seem to be blind or they treat the shirt like some rag on the floor. stupid shit. i went up to let the boy know. talk about what's going on in this world we live in.

2005-08-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

what the toot do they mean that our moves were too raunchy and they want some 1970s song?
its already an amazement that we could come up with a proper dance in less than ten hours. now the stupid councillors want to have a second audition! i'm so pissed i'll just say all the four letter words anytime (I dun use them ok).
in the first place they never even specify any requirements like what kind of song, moves etc. only say that it must be within 5 mins. now they say we have to perform, but must be more old fasioned to suit the principal. just becos that janitor is going to retire soon we have to change the entire thing? no way.
might as well get the wushu and co people to perform for her. HELLO!! the students and young teachers wouldn't mind the dances lor. even mr. oh one of the judges was ok with it. all boils down to the councillors. charmaine in charge one la. that tiny thing.
now the next audition is on tuesday. so we dun even have enough time to practise. we've been going to dance to practise and practise 4 out of 5 school days until my muscles aching like anything and they dun even appreciate it.
stupid shit heads.

2005-08-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

super super tired!!!
but at least the auditions are over.
so stupid la only got 3 performances including us. one was a song sang by mia and taufik and kai and this other girl.. the other one was a band with some guy singer but he was way off tune..
then lastly was us! yoo na at the first part forgotten her steps and you can tell how nervous she was la... but overall i think it was quite good. although got some parts messy (what you expect from only less than ten hours of practise) i think the breakdancing part more different from the usual dances the past dance club has performed cos they usually have no guys. so i guess the guys do have some credit!
oh ya saw anis and kevin there. i think kevin must have been laughing at the back of his mind la.
i'm gonna sleep as soon as i eat my dinner. have been practising for the past few days and never stretch before hand. now my muscles are aching. and got 2.4km run tomorrow!!! this time really sei ah.
now i got the teacher's day dance and auditions dance stuck in my mind. i'm gonna dance in my sleep.

dance

2005-08-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

the song 'do somethin'' is now offically stuck in my mind.
with the music blasting into my ears while we practise over and over again for the dance auditions, i'm gonna get nightmares tonight.
the dance is just plain weird. its a combination of 3 songs.
one: (you so will not believe this) the mickey song "oh mickey you're so fine..."
two: do somethin'
three: some weird song the boys are going to break dance in.
so at the first part we have to act bimbotic and pose those act cute poses la... mao should have joined dance.
super tired now after yesterday and just now. and only got 10 of us dancing including the guys. cos some of them couldn't make it for the practise or totally skipped it on mon so they won't be able to catch up.
sigh. anyways lao shi really too much la. keep on saying its not the first time we pon her lesson when its our first. PLEASE. i know we dun really pay attention but we are definitely better than those who totally skip chinese lesson.
dunno what to blog already. my brain is starting to malfunction. i forgot to photocopy maths tutorial how to do 9.4 by tomorrow?? and the questions haven give out finish.
screw maths la.

frozen.

2005-08-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

just came home from studying at the bishan cc with grace and charm.
super cold there. almost died. and while in there i've accumulated more sickness upon my body.
woke up so early in the morning to take neoprint with my godbro but so early in the morning got no mood. then he send me to the cc and went off to work.
there i was super aimless not like grace got a whole list of to-dos pasted in front of her. did a bit of bio and maths. then i realised i forgotten to get a copy of the chapter 9 notes. again.
asked ash but he ask me to ask kenny. so amazed and shocked that he was actually willing to step out of his house to lend me the notes to photocopy. so must say THANK YOU KENNY! unfortunately i owe you one if i can pass for my maths test =P
oh well, tried to study for the remaining time... i'm so amazed at myself cos i think i've spent the longest time ever in this year to sit down and study! must go there every week. cannot get retained!!!
after that go see my godbro again. got him to send me home and pay for my food! haha so good to go out with him cos i practically eat up all his money! so he went home broke.
so evil of me.

2005-08-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

We will win the WAR!!!!
haha not war la just the status for the best platoon ever in history!!
the part as '04 think they are the first platoon to do everything... we got do some of the things they supposedly do first k...
and we are the best ncos ever k if not how could we have recruited them to continue OUR legacy.
so no doubt about it. NCOs 2004 is the best!

SicK.

2005-08-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

feeling super sick. so not going for detention tomorrow i think. my mp3 always cannot take out the cable properly without having the words "ERROR". weird.
oh ya i shall make an apology to kenny for SUBCONSCIOUSLY making up the "tau pok face" description. it really wasn't intentional.
and must thank ash for lending my his i-pod while mine was away for vacation.
so there. why am i so nice today?
must be the drugs.

FiReWoRkS

2005-08-09T01:22:00.000-07:00

i went to esplanade to watch the countdown fireworks for our 40th national day. my mom, aunt, little brother and cousins came along also. wanted to get my godbro to go but he working too tired to go down just to watch that 15 mins of fireworks...
it was quite fun to meet my cousin again considering our families haven been gathering as often ever since my last grandparent died. she also in scgs now sec4 one year younger than me.. can say because of our age she's like the closest relative on this side of my family.
anyways cos she's pretty close with my ncc juniors, who all couldn't really believe we were cousins, we chatted about the ncc now, and some of the juniors in her squash that are crazy about her. my cousin very shuai but she is totally straight. her dressing probably under the influence of her only older brother thats why...
so i was teasing her and all and she was telling me not to let her bro hear all this cos he's very strict with her... almost wanted to scold her for being out so late until he realised she's with her mom. really envy her cos although i have 2 older siblings, they are pretty much bothered only about their own lives and this is most probably why i'm so independent. i don't rely on any person when it comes to decision making and all, not even my mom or much less my dad.
anyways the fireworks started when we were strolling away of our moms, she really can't stand the crowd keep on saying how she wished the railings will loosen and everyone will fall into the water to make space for us and everyone would get bombed as the fireworks start... so i dragged her along, made our way through the crowd that was totally blocking our view, went to the bridge for the ferry, climbed over the railings (almost fell into the water) to get the nicest view!! very nice to see it la but we all never bring cam to take pic so sad right...
anyway very tired already must sleep.

Festival of Praise!

2005-08-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

yay!!! went for the last service of FOP last night. came back about 12 i think...
super fun to just get back into the mood of worshipping God and just praising Him and focusing all your attention on Him! i think its about time that i get back into the attitude of worship after being depressed and all for so long... must bind that spirit of depression!
andway today went to school for a while for NDP celebration... really miss scgs NDP... so so so much better and end a lot earlier. went to sit in the container with popiah and grishma to slack and think of how to escape! haha had fun in my desperation to sneak out and the uncle opened for us la thanks to bp's charms...
then me and mich went to meet yenling and amanda for lunch at mos burger. but at first we were quite dissapointed cos we were hoping to see others... sigh so much for escaping when the POC is over somemore. but heard it was kind of crappy with only ONE cadet from next batch. and one platoonmate passed out to her own platoonmate. super pathetic.
but mich is totally different la outside yjc.. she and i also didn't really talk on the mrt but later when yl and lyla then we are more crazy together. dunno why also la. then i told her about some scandals i heard about her, she told me some she heard about me... then go on and on and on...
then after going nuts then jasmine came, brought us super nice hand-baked muffins to eat! then mich left so we headed to yl's house all the way at hougang. just to play cards. she is like a deprived child keep on telling us so happy she finally got people to play bridge with her. sheesh. but it was fun nontheless.
after that went J8 meet shoulian for dinner at thai express. the food super spicy but super shiok!! then we went swensens to eat $4 sundae but got add gst and all la... oh man come to think of it i have spent a lot of money today la. although couldn't hang out with ash and ken and yx and all but still it was fun to meet up with them once in a while and reinforce the fact that WE NCOs 2004 are still the best NCOs in all of scncc la!!! haha!!! got the least no. of retainees, all got below 20 points for o levels, got 5 prefects with the head prefect with us, recruit 13 part as all never quit, and the most united platoon ever! yay!

buzz off.

2005-08-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

i dunno why i am feeling super irritated with my so-called frens in school. its like i suddenly wish i was back to the anti-social me with no friends to watch my every move and make a big joke about it every. single. day. if i could choose i wished i didn't even need to go to school, to be battling with the sinister remarks people make about me and my guilty conscience when i gossip about someone. i am trying so hard to revert back to the Godly me. but i know very well that without God i can't.
they are fun people to hang out with but their acts are not what my church friends would deem right. its like a want the best of both worlds. i wan to have fun in this world but i do not wan to be part of the world. i know this sounds all Christian but thats who i am suppose to be.
i am so confused with myself even if someone asks me the most basic question of faith like where would i go right now if i die i wouldn't be sure if it was heaven.

i am dying.

2005-08-03T03:59:00.000-07:00

dunno why it seems like these days i keep pondering about the different faces or characters i have when i am with different people. does everyone do that or isit just me?
I dunno why i'm so bothered about this... maybe cos i really wan to know which is the real me? or am i just acting accordingly to the environment around me... like when i'm in school i gossip about people, at home i'm amazingly quiet. at church i can go all crazy like some mad woman with grace, and with my platoon i just wan to serve them and enjoy having them with me...
i feel so hypocritical until i don't even know if i am myself when i talk to God. not that i talk to Him very often nowathese days...
sigh i'm so confused with myself. and my thing with di is suddenly surfacing all over again. he shouldn't have called me in the first place after that so-called cooling off period. lasted about 20 days?
now he never answer my sms. i am so sad and worried and angry at him. what if he is really avoiding me or he's got himself landed in hospital again or he has been telling me big fat lies all this time? and i can't believe that i am actually thinking of him. me. a 17yr old big girl. twirlled around a 14yr old boy's finger. sheesh. i am taking longer than i thought i would to get out of this complicated relationship.
kill me.

RoD

2005-07-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

sigh. now that national day is approaching, i can't help but be reminded all over again for the thousandth time of my platoonmates.
last year, we rod, we camped in school to practise for our precision drill performance. crying as i saw all my platoonmates sound asleep cos i knew i would never see their baby faces when they are sleeping. staying up all night to make their albums. dozing off on the parade square while waiting for the guest of honour. can you believe that. me and jas didn't sleep a wink.
and then crying all over again when we were interlocking our arms singing all the national day songs. giving them the albums. crying again when we saw the slides our cadets made for us.
it was all the tears and all the feelings that gushed out.
sigh. this year, it won't be us. i have to say that the only regret i have as i left ncc was not being a good nco to my part c cadets. i know they treat me as if i'm invisible cos i've never really helped them openly. i'm the kind that plans all the things merticulously back-stage. no one knows all the effort you put in behind the wraps. oh well, it has always been the same throughout my 4 years. even for my platoon.
but i never ask for anything in return. just their smiles will do.

the battle in camp.

2005-07-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

helloz. just returned on friday from some adventure camp.
i am so chao ta now la!!! should have put more sun block.
sigh super duper tired after the 25km walk. kayaking. rock-climbing. rafting. team building games.
i think it was quite fun cos overall our class bonded although we are separated into half.
and the confrontation with mao shen. he really cannot be a lawyer.
he would accuse us of doing some stuff, never state examples, then when we rebuke him, he'll give up the fight saying its his fault and we should move on.
sigh. i can't help it when i show my black face to people i dun like. its not like i'll pretend to include him when all i want is to make fun about the things he do. i'm not that pretentious.
when i hate you, i show you that i hate you. simple as that.
so face it mao shen. not that i'm being rude. i just don't want to be all hypocritical.

kisses to duncan

2005-07-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

Hahaha I can't wait for tomorrow!! I wonder what will duncan do to james for writing that note on my paper... who knows james would have to kiss him or else do 10 concept maps, what would he choose...?
Very happy today cos di suddenly contacted me last night after so long! how long did we not talk on sms or msn... 1 month? ya I think so. He's phone gone for servicing and the last time we talked on msn I kind of said something not very nice... but now he change to nokia and I was really surprised he called me la. I thought he might just forget about me and get on with life. getting on with life ya but not forgetting such a nice fren like me... which is sweet actually. =)
He isn't the kind of fren you would even dream of your frenship would last cos we are quite different in everything. but I'll take it all in my stride. see how long we'll go. come to think of it I hope my frenship with my YJC frens would last but who knows? I may get retained at this rate and revert to anti-social me.

BiOlOgY

2005-07-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

YAY!! I passed my bio block test!! =) and my GP just passed but better than ken and ash both got 24!
Anyway that aside, daps ken ash yixian james yinghui fifi yuenshein and I made a burnbook to write out stuff we dun like about mao shen and also just to use it for chatting. melvin ah super hypocite la! dun like him anymore. ask him to sign the book say dun wan cos he not as evil as us. YA RIGHT. then why he laugh at our jokes about mao and also make all the crude remarks like us? sheesh. I look down on him!

frens

2005-07-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

Ok I shall let them gloat. I failed Chem and Maths!!
(Ash and Ken: "Yipee!!" hear party popers in background)
My imagination. running wild.
Sigh so sad la but also so happy! saw yenling and kaiqian and mich and shoulian and amanda.
although I see mich in school almost everyday but we barely talk when its just the 2 of us.
kaiqian didn't join us for dinner, amanda and shoulian went for maddcap. so only a weird combi of the three of us. but I was amazed I actually had fun.
ok so at first we were back at scgs, updating ourselves our each other's love lives. Kai got a bf and they broke up after 2 months and she didn't even feel sad. Mich prefer to stay as close frens to wait for God's timing (yay!) and the rest unattached. dunno why mich seems pretty different now. its like she seemed super happy and relaxed and just being super slow... kind of cute actually cos I barely see her that 'her' in yjc. I guess I just didn't realise that she was that unhappy in here.
As yenling and mich and I were chatting, I really didn't know that they are feeling so uneasy in their schools. Yenling doesn't really have any close frens in rjc, cos they are not really her type. and mich she's super straight with her words so she kind of pissed some people in her class accidentally. sigh, its so good to just talk to them. I dunno they just make me peel my facades off. I guess we all feel the same way about each other. we can be unglam, blur, slow, make lame jokes and have people laughing at it, be striaght with our words and nobody gets offended, just be ourselves. We really missed the days. and I believe we all feel that out of all our frens in secondary school, only ours will last longest.
dun get me wrong, its not that I'm not happy or I'm not myself with my yjc frens. but somehow they make you sub-consiciously think twice of what you plan to do or say. like if I wanted to say something lame to add on the joke, they would most probably star at you. you must be careful with your actions cos they would use it to joke about you over and over again. I mean, ok joke about it when I made the blunder. but to rake it up every single day? its too much for me to take and I'll get super insulted and pissed. and I know they are concern about me and Amin. but don't I have the right to even keep my secrets? we are not that close until I can tell them everything and not get pissed when they insult me. besides, after all they have said about me and amin, do you think I would wan to tell them anymore stuff? I'll just be digging my own grave.

WoRk

2005-07-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Oh no I am dying. I have no idea how to write the EoM. in what format. must include what. OH NO.
I got so many things to do. EoM. Maths notice board. bio structured and essay. maths tutorial 8. chinese oral.
now I'm planning to get some help but who can help me? my internet dunno why cannot go to asknlearn, can't check if got anympore bio work... SIgh..
Going out somemore tomorrow with ken ash and the usual pple. how am I suppose to finish in like less than 24 hours?

Chemistry

2005-06-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

So irritated! dunno why today the chem test so shit. I studied la. although I was watching the TV most of the time...
Can't focus on what the question is asking, keep writing stuff not really necessary... die.
I bet if I fail Ken and Ash would be gloating.
But on a happier note, got my b'day present from ken. yay dun need to spend money! I was planning to buy more dangling earings la but now just have to find studs. Thanks!
have to crash, then continue to mug one LAST day!
pray for me. I need God, not luck.

"Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved." -Acts 16:31

WMD

2005-03-22T23:55:00.000-08:00

Each day we learn from yesterday
Of God's great love and care;
And every burden we must face
He'll surely help us bear. -D. De Haan

so irritated today...
me, charm and yingmin were at jasmine's house after school to go help out her mom make chocolates for this WMD thing at great world city today for free. it was for the upper class people going to watch the premieres of Miss Congeneality 2. so fun could make chocolates.
When we got there we saw tay ping hui so shuai in person! no wonder wei ling so in love with him la... anyways the person in charge got 2 free tickets ready at first for us which cost $100 each. but there was the four of us right.. so jasmine the great decided to hint to the person that she can't abandon her other 2 frens and hope that she will try to let all of us go in to watch the show. but before jasmine could say a word, charmaine spoke what she shouldn't have, "We got other plans." the rest of us were like WHAT OTHER PLANS DO WE HAVE? so pissing la, letting the tickets slip past our fingers... our arteries were gonna burst. why is she not blurr when she's supposed to be? sigh.

"Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you put on." Luke 12:22

PlAtOoNmAtEs FoReVeR!!!

2005-03-13T08:34:00.000-08:00

My faith has found a resting place -
Not in device nor creed:
I trust the Ever-living One -
His wounds for me shall plead. -Edmunds

yay so glad yesterday went to meet up with my platoon!!!
Me, jasmine, yenling, amanda and shoulian went out at orchard to eat and catch a movie before the annual CO night. It's really really comforting to know that the platoon will always be behind me no matter what... although we lost contact for the few months after school, or after NCC ended, we could still talk and talk and talk at the restuarant. didn't really talk about ncc at all, just talked about how we were doing in the new jcs, all the funny happenings there, how we missed each other and how our platoon will ALWAYS be the best!!! YES, my platoon has always been very thick-skinned.
went to watch M-18 show called Woodsman. lucky I look very mature or else we won't be able to get in... anyway the show was quite ok, but I dun really like seeing those r-rated parts. Shoulian so disgusting la! she was running to and back from the toilet excitely because she was very aroused by the show... I am speechless. when someone asks you to sit on his/her lap, don't. Carmen really showed how relaxed she is in front of us by burping loudly at the busstop after her flag selling. sigh the good old days...
I must say I didn't enjoy the CO night cos the presentations were super lame. the cadets got no fresh ideas on how to end their story so everyone ends up dying. I will still go for it anyway cos the only fun part is to see my platoon. nothing else. wanted to stay overnight but never bring clothes so saddly we all have to part... but I really enjoyed myself, just seeing them really makes me count my blessings over and over again. Thank God for you people, or else I wouldn't even know how I would go through secondary school life. Love you guys man!!

"Have faith in God." -Mark 11:22

barbeque at kenny's!

2005-03-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

Though oft our spirits long to rise
And bask in heavenly realms above,
The Lord has placed us here on earth
To live for Him - to serve, to love. -D. De Haan

yay so fun yesterday! Kenneth and I organised a bbq at his place with the help of daphne and melvin! woah we, or should I say I, spent about $150 for the bbq la but in the end not all the stuff was eaten finished. we all pon our chinese and pe lessons together and the 4 of us with yiwei and pinky went to his house to prepare first.
Kenny's dog bear is sososo super cute and 'guai' la!! It's a fighting dog so it's ears are cut off and when kenny points at it and say 'bang!' it will lie on the ground and act dead! so cute lor! stupid kenneth bluff me again. he told me bear was very small which was so not true la... evil!
yesterday must really thank tintin cos if it wasnt for him who so meticulously build the house to start the fire and told me to buy the honey, the food wouldn't have tasted so nice! I have to say that he is very good in bbq-ing the food!! lucky I went to 'steal' some of his skills! Sigh, I think tintin is the only one I can actually talk to in depth... although we don't really spend much time together, but I feel comfortable talking to him. but he so evil never take pic with the class now got no photo of him to keep when he gets out of yjc... *sniff*
So silly vanessa and jiaming bully me again... just because I cut off the 'chao ta' part of the sausage I bbq-ed for kenneth then say I'm in love with him lor. so idiotic. I also got cut off for pinky and yiwei ok... I can't help myself for being so caring to others dun wan them to get cancer! somemore people already got girlfren so cannot anyhow say-say k... see la. make the two of us so awkward. sigh.

"God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty." - Corinthians 1:27

O Level results!

2005-02-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

Although the stress and strain of life
My thread of faith may break,
The cable of His faithfulness
No storm can ever shake. -Anon

YAY!!! so happy that I actually got 15 points for O levels!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!
This time it is really God man... I mean its like my prelim results were like 26 points la and I never got a C5 even for my geography but I actually got A2!!!
Yup I shall list down everything I got other than the Oral since its useless...

English - B4
Combined Humanities - D7
Geography - A2
Mathematics - A2
Additional Mathematics - A1
Chemistry - B3
Biology - B3
Chinese - B4

Ya although I dun really have alot of As or what but for my standard I'm pretty satisfied! REally thank God for this man... but now the big headache. where to go?

"They could find no charge or fault, because he was faithful." -Daniel 6:4

broken

2005-02-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

A heartfelt tear can show our love
As words never do;
It says, "I want to share your pain-
My heart goes out to you." -D. De Haan

hey sorry again for not updating... things are a little crazy and low this few weeks...
Other than my Time Alone With God hasn't been so well, I kinda feel that my faith may just go even lower than before. Sometimes I think I'm a hypocrite. Yesterday something bad happened in my family and I really got to say this out, not that I'm washing my dirty linen in public but I dun wan to keep it inside.
My father came home drunk again as usual, giving his speech on the religious and even racial problems that has been going on for years in my family. To cut the long story short, he's not happy with me being Christian and working in KFC. He's not happy with my sister's working/studying habits which gets her to work until wee hours. He's not happy with my brother playing the com all day all night. He's not happy with my mom being a Christian and trying to win the rest of the family over. So using the beer to drown his sorrows, he just got even more mad at people, especially my sis and mom. So when my sis answers him back which is very typical of her, He gets mad and just slaps her continuously, even almost strangled her... I tried to hold him back but can't. it was only when my mom came down then my sis got a chance to run upstairs into the room. After that he began talking to me about my so called 'low' job and wants me to quit. then started asking my mom what's her motive in playing all those Christian songs. and on and on and on...
I'm really sick and tired of this kind of life. sometimes I myself also don't know which is the real me, the quiet one at home, the crazy one in church, or the talkative one at school. All I know is that I really want things to change for good. My mom wants me to quit my job cos she's afraid that I'll be the next one since my older brother has gotten bashed in the face before. I want to talk to someone about it but it seems that nobody is around...

"Weep with those who weep." -Romans 12:15